Healthy Living Reality

Tag: gratitude

  • Gratitude for the People Who Help: The Village Behind Single Parenting

    Most parents will tell you that raising children is tough. I’m no different, though I was determined not to be one of the complainers. I was also determined not to play the “single parent” card. I still try not to play it too much, but the truth is that parenting is hard, and single parenting is harder. 

    Regardless, what is also true of parenting, and likely more so of single parenting, is that there are always people stepping in to help. There are so many ways to help, and people do. Neighbors, other parents, friends, and perfect strangers have always emerged to help. I am grateful.

    Is It Okay to Accept Help?

    My parents never accepted help when they were raising me and my sister. They didn’t think it was fair to ask anyone to watch us, except for an occasional paid babysitter. Maybe it was because they were from a different generation, or maybe it is because they were more competent parents than I am.

    I have no problem asking for, and accepting, help. In return, I give help when I can. It seems natural for everyone to do what they can; it makes everyone’s lives easier.  

    Other Parents Stepping In

    I’ll pick up another parent’s child and take them to the park when it works out, or I’m happy to wait at school for a few minutes if the parent is running late or needs to run inside to talk to the child’s teacher alone. In return, I’m happy to ask for help when it seems easy for another parent to give, and when I need it. We’re all in this together. 

    The Kindness of Strangers

    Since my son was young, I’ve noticed that it would be helpful for me to have four hands, three times as much patience, and twice as much strength as I do. One time when he was about three years old, we were walking into the library. He decided he didn’t want to go anymore, and let me know that by throwing a loud tantrum. 

    While he was screaming, I took him outside and tried to calm him down. As usual, I failed miserably. After a few minutes, a librarian came out with a smile and a bookmark. She tried to distract him by showing it to him and reading it to him. She didn’t have to, but that’s the kind of kind act that I’ve received from people since my son was born. 

    Libraries serve everyone, including parents.

    People are almost always ready to help. Homeowners may smile instead of yell when my son walks on their property. Other passengers boarding a bus may hold my bags while I load my son’s bike onto the front rack. A grocery store checkout clerk smiled and calmly offered to put my groceries back on the store shelves when we had to leave before checking out due to a tantrum. A boy’s father at the park pitched my son a few baseballs for his first batting experience. These all help. 

    Neighborly Advice and a Hug

    Evenings can feel lonely. They’re the time when I’m tired and my son’s tired. We’re both at our worst of the day. He can get upset over homework, brushing teeth, and my general existence. I can get upset over homework, brushing teeth, and not having finished my work. I can’t call my parents because they’re in bed already (they’re usually in a different time zone).

    Every so often, it gets physically scary in our condo unit. He may throw a tantrum or throw things. If it seems safe, I step outside. Every so often, I bump into one of our neighbors, a single parent whose son is in college now. She understands completely, and always takes the time to give me a hug, some encouragement, and some friendly words. Since she’s been in my shoes, she must know how much it means to me. 

    Help from Old Gym Friends

    I have several friends that are on my call list. I talked about my gym friends in a recent post. Some are parents; others aren’t. They’re all willing to pick up the phone and give advice or just listen. As I mentioned before, they’re among the most kind, accepting people I know. Though I haven’t asked for several years, I know that many of them would be willing to watch my son for me or go out with us if needed. 

    Any Help Line I Can Find

    When I’m desperate and just need to talk to a friendly person, I can call a free helpline. 988, the mental health crisis line, is available 24/7 Since I’m usually crying when I call, they’re at least helpful in getting me to calm down a bit. I appreciate that they answer the phone every time, and that I’ve never had to wait more than a couple minutes on hold.

    It can help just to talk to someone

    The drawback is that they themselves don’t offer much practical advice. They seem to be more of a service to direct you to other services. In my case, most of the referrals have been irrelevant (e.g., for abused children) or impractical (e.g., a private practice located 50 miles away from our home). Still, a kind, caring voice is welcome when I’m upset and feeling alone. 

    Big Brother Big Sister Program

    One volunteer who has given my son, and therefore me, hours and hours of kindness is his Big Brother. It’s a mentorship program in which the Big takes the Little (my son) on an outing once or twice a month. They can go to parks, out to eat, to museums, to local attractions, or anything else. My son and I have lucked out with his Big – he has a kind heart, he’s interested in everything, and he makes the outings so exciting for my son. 

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    A kind mentor can be a role model and trusted advisor

    For me, it’s something to look forward to. Those few hours of alone time on a weekend are precious and valuable. I can relax, let my guard down, take a walk, get work done, or do whatever else I want with that time. The anticipation of that time is wonderful, too. 

    As you can see, lots of people help without asking for anything in return. There’s no guilt-tripping. It’s just pure kindness. I am grateful. 

    Who helps you out? How do you give back?

  • Reflections on a Week of Court Time at the Park: Enjoying Tennis whether Alone or with Others

    Reflections on a Week of Court Time at the Park: Enjoying Tennis whether Alone or with Others

    When I have time after my morning run, I try to walk to the nearby park with my basketball, tennis racket, and balls. Most mornings, I play alone, shooting hoops or hitting a tennis ball against a backboard. Twice this week, however, I played tennis on the actual court. One day, I was volleying with someone way better than me. The other day, I was the more experienced player. My week’s experiences reinforced that whether alone or against someone better or worse than me, I can enjoy myself, relax, and feel good while playing tennis. 

    Here are some benefits of being on my own, hitting against someone better than me, and hitting against a beginner. 

    Nature Is Healthy

    Research consistently suggests that being in nature is good for mental and physical health. It helps clear the mind and improve mood. Getting some daytime sunshine supports your circadian rhythm for better alertness during the day, and better sleep at night. Being outdoors to exercise also tends to encourage longer bouts of activity, leading to benefits for weight control, blood sugar management, and other improvements in chronic condition risk.

    “Nature” can be a beach, forest, field, or desolate mountain, but it doesn’t have to be. A few trees or bushes in an urban area can provide benefits, especially if the sky is visible. The important things are to get fresh air in an open or green area. 

    Playing Alone Is Therapeutic

    Most days, I play alone. I shoot a basketball on an empty court, or I hit a tennis ball against a backboard. Repetitive? Yes. Boring? No.

    Sunshine and trees give a beautiful backdrop to gather my thoughts.

    Here’s what I like about playing by myself.

    • I can practice specific skills. I can work on forehands, backhands, serves, or anything else against a backboard. I can catch the ball each time and set up my next drill. You can’t do that type of repetitive and controlled practice when you’re on a court and volleying with someone.
    • I can play left-handed. I like to play half left-handed, half right-handed. That gives both sides an equal workout, and hopefully it improves my coordination on both sides instead of just my dominant [right] side. It feels disrespectful to play left-handed when I’m playing against someone because it’s not giving them my best. 
    • I can listen. With my bluetooth ear buds, I can listen to anything on my phone. Recently, I’ve been listening to videos on YouTube for learning Turkish. I’m a kinetic learner, and I concentrate best when I’m moving. A mindless activity like hitting a ball against a wall is perfect for me to listen carefully.
    • I can socialize. I use my ear buds to talk on the phone. Playing tennis or basketball at the park often doubles up as my social hour.

    Playing alone is great, but playing with a partner has different benefits. 

    Benefits of Playing Tennis with a Hitting Partner

    Playing tennis with a partner is a different experience than playing alone. It’s less predictable – I can stand around more, and I might end up running more to chase balls. I can’t specifically practice certain skills. But there are many benefits. 

    • I learn to react faster. Against a wall, I’m in control. I know where the ball’s going and how fast, and how I’m going to hit it. Against a person, nothing is predictable. It can come to my forehand or backhand, fast or slow, with top spin or back spin. Learning to respond is something you can’t learn while playing against a backboard. You improve quickly when playing against someone.
    • It’s heart-warming. Silly as this is, it is nice to be doing an activity with someone, even if you can’t hold much of a conversation from opposite sides of a net. I feel like I belong, and share the love of playing a fun game with other people. 
    • It’s motivating. As comforting as it is to see the same players out there day after day, it’s even nicer to be one of them. They’re welcoming and warm, accepting of my poor play, and happy to offer encouragement and advice.

    Whether better than more or worse, playing with a partner has benefits. 

    You have to learn to react quickly when you’re playing against someone.

    Learning from Superiors

    I’m grateful to play with people better than me, as happened earlier this week. He and I played for nearly an hour. Here is some of what I gained.

    • Humility. Every so often, my hitting partner didn’t go easy on me, and smashed a ball past me. It reminded me to be grateful he was even playing with me!
    • Technique. I gathered a few pointers from my hitting partner, including why I wasn’t hitting my forehand very well, and how to hold the racket more properly. 
    • Patience. It’s tough to be the bad one. It’s tempting to get upset and frustrated, but that’s not helpful. It doesn’t help my own game, and it doesn’t make it more pleasant for my opponent. So, I try to smile when I mess up, and to show that I’m trying my best, even if I’m not able to return the ball all the time.
    Some people play with real tennis clothes and strong serves. I’m not one of them.

    I can learn from beginners, too!

    Playing with a Beginner

    I also had the privilege of playing with a beginner. It wasn’t painful; it was actually motivating, and it helped my own game. Here’s why.

    • I practiced control. When you’re playing with someone who can’t hit very well, it’s best to hit the ball to them and at a certain speed. That takes control, which is a skill in itself. Learning to aim and control force is applicable when you’re trying to win games, too. 
    • I learned technique. While my hitting partner had less lifetime practice than I do, she’s taking lessons, and is learning techniques. I noticed that she had a good ability to hit forehands that she had to reach for; that’s tough for me, so I asked for an explanation. 

    Balancing Solo and Partner Play for Consistency and Growth

    They say that “mixing it up” is good for your exercise routine. While “they” may be recommending more variety than the difference between playing tennis alone versus against someone, “they’re” right. Allowing my sessions at the park to be slightly different, unpredictable, and always positive makes me eager to come back each day. I let myself be obsessive about running, counting each mile and minute, but loosening up for sports at the park is a fun contrast. 

    How do you stay active and keep it fun?

  • How to Stay Consistent with Fitness: Make Friends with 80-Year-Olds at the Gym

    How to Stay Consistent with Fitness: Make Friends with 80-Year-Olds at the Gym

    I’m not a very social person. Maybe I take after my dad. I’m happy to be by myself, and I usually find it tiring to be around people. It’s been like that for me since middle school. At the same time, though, I’ve always had a group of friends around me due to exercise. In middle school, high school, and college, my friends were my teammates. In graduate school, my friends were running partners. And for a decade after that, my friends were my gym friends. 

    Here’s the story of how I met my gym friends and why they are such a special group for which I will always be grateful.

    A Lucky Meeting

    I had never been regular at a gym, though I’ve always been active. I joined a gym in 2012 to take advantage of the classes they offered, but didn’t plan to do much more than attend one or two dance or aerobics classes a week. It was a women’s gym, though that’s not why I joined. It was affordable and within biking distance, and had a good class schedule for me.

    When I had mild plantar fasciitis one day, I had to cut my run short. I headed to the gym to use the elliptical machine, and that’s when I met “them.” “They” were a group of ladies, aged about 55 to 87, who had been working out together for over 20 years. There was one “young” lady who was only 35, and who had been with them for about 5 years. 

    A Warm Welcome from the Gym Ladies

    They were the gym ladies. , and they welcomed me warmly. They let me into their “group” and introduced me to everyone. They explained the birthday protocol – each lady was responsible for bringing cupcakes to the gym on another lady’s birthday – and told me the lady for whom I was responsible, and the date of her birthday. 

    These ladies had met each other at the gym. Most of them would not have met each other anywhere else. They were a diverse group, including working and retired teachers, a bank teller, a real estate agent (who ended up selling me my home), a saleswoman, a beautician, an entertainer, a president and founder of a non-profit, and some stay-at-home moms (one of whom now works with me). There were parents of children ranging from 5 years old to 65 years old.  They inspired each other to keep showing up at the gym each morning.

    A row of dreadmills becomes less dreadful when you have friends on either side!

    I hadn’t intended to continue using the gym on a daily basis once my plantar fasciitis cleared up. I’d planned to go back to once or twice-weekly dance fitness classes. But the joy of having a whole new group of friends

    An Always Honest and Open Group!

    Though they were among the most consistent and probably fit people of their age, they never pretended that it was easy to come to the gym. The standard response to, “Good morning! How are you?” was, “I’m here.” That might expand into, “I’m doing my best,” “It’s tougher than usual today,” or, “One day at a time.” 

    But instead of that feeling negative, it felt real. We knew we were working hard to be at the gym. From scheduling the time to actually coming, it’s a real effort to work out each day. And that’s where friendship comes in. 

    A Decade Working Out with My “Gym Friends”

    We were each other’s “gym friends.” We welcomed each other, texted or phone when someone was an unexpected no-show at the gym that morning, and were completely open with each other. 

    We’d take machines next to each other whenever possible. We’d have a whole row of ellipticals, or be in smaller groups on the bikes or treadmills. It didn’t matter that a 30-something-year-old (me) was next to an 80-something-year-old. We could chat and work out together. 

    We talked about everything and nothing. What else do you talk about when you’re “stuck” on a gym machine for 30, 60, or 90 minutes? You have time to talk deeply about anything! Since it was a women’s-only gym, we felt comfortable talking loudly, often loudly enough to annoy most of the other women who were present. (In our defense, anyone was welcome to join the conversation…)

    We worked out, laughed, and helped each other at the gym and in life.

    There was no pressure put on our friendships. We accepted each other and looked forward to seeing each other at the gym. We might see one or two of each other outside of the gym occasionally, but there was no requirement. We knew we’d get to see each other at the gym the next morning to start the day off right. You could get a hug if you were down, or a hug if you needed to celebrate. We were there for each other. 

    Continued Friendships After a Decade with the Gym Ladies

    I was able to take advantage of our daily chit-chats and workouts for nearly a decade, until 2020. I learned so much from these women. They shared their wisdom with me, and I learned about acceptance, advice, support, and so many other qualities that these kind people learned through life lessons and were generous enough to share with me. I learned that very different people can benefit from being around each other and listening to each other.

    The gym closed when COVID-19 hit, and then permanently closed due to bankruptcy. By the end of COVID-19, my habits had again changed, and I’d returned to running and biking on my own, perfectly content fitness-wise. 

    But many gym friendships continued. I stay in touch with many of the ladies on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis by phone. I speak with others more sporadically. Every so often, I meet one or another of them somewhere around town, like a market, park, or home. 

    We’re all grateful for those years at the gym and for each other. Some joined new gyms after COVID-19. Others, like me, developed different habits – hikes, classes on Zoom, mall walks, park walks. Some are too old to work out daily anymore – getting to 100 years old while in shape to be self-sufficient is already terribly impressive to me! 

    I am grateful to have met this group of women. I don’t miss working out at the gym, but I do miss the daily chats. Sometimes really great things happen in life, and that gym was one of them for me.

    Which friends and lessons do you truly value?